Now what?

A few rough spots between my boyfriend and I came to a head a couple of weeks ago, and we "took a break," by which I mean I am temporarily staying someplace that isn't home. It has been a terrible two weeks. Sad, and lonesome, and filled with hurt.

Then, a couple of days ago, I had a revelation. All the things that I've been railing against, fussing about, and obsessing over, are stupid, little, unimportant things. Life is so short. What really matters at the end of the day is that you come home to the person that you love.

I have always had this idea that, as the workday ends, and you approach home, your steps should lighten, and your heart should beat a little faster, in anticipation of reaching your significant other, and that sense of home. I want, when I kiss my man, the world to melt away and the clock to stop.

I found the man who causes those things to happen. He is a perfect fit.

And then life got in the way. Finances, family, stress, anxiety, all led us to this situation. Now I am losing the life that I want with the man that I love. I won't have that moment at the end of the day, when it feels like it was all worthwhile, for that welcome home moment.

At the same time I determined to stick by him through thick and thin, and stop fretting over the details, he decided we needed to call it quits. Not because we don't love each other. But because the pressures of everyday life are overwhelming, and he doesn't want to cheat me out of the potential for a happy life.

And all I really want is to continue my life with him.

I guess Auden was right. "I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong."

For Better and For Worse

Most people, upon marrying, dwell heavily on the portion of the ceremony which goes a little something like this: For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, blah blah blah, until death us do part. The specific area of focus is the death part, usually.

My current obsession (much thanks to my best friend who got me thinking about it) is "for better or for worse."

What does it mean? I mean, what does it REALLY mean? To me? What IS the "for worse" part, and how worse does it have to get before it gets better? Does this mean if I am unhappy in my marriage for some fundamental reason, I am to stick with it and grit my teeth and be happy with my lot in life? How much of the "for worse" do I endure before I am okay to call it quits and move on with my life? What is worth surviving, and what is the payout?

Torn

I have always understood that there is a certain amount of give and take in life; nothing comes for free, and there are sacrifices to be made. At the same time, my intentions have always been to just find happiness in life. Not wealth, not fame, not immortality, and certainly not more than my share of anything. I just want to be happy.

A wise friend of mine from the Middle East told me recently that Americans have it all wrong; they expect every single day in life to be wonderful. He said if you're lucky, you have one good day in a year. That is the Middle Eastern view on happiness. He's right. I don't think I have been looking for the cartoon bluebird on my shoulder kind of happiness, however.

I want to be mostly content, with a few flashes of deliriously happy mixed in to keep me guessing.

And that is why I left my husband in January. More accurately, after I told him what was in my head, he left first. It was the most terrible thing I have ever done to another person. He was devastated, and it was all my doing.

What followed was a lot of heartache, misery, bitterness, crying, confusion, and, in my case, hunger and poverty.

Here we are on the other side of it. I live with my boyfriend. My husband lives across town. I don't know what the hell to do about any of it.

I love my husband. He is a good man, kind and considerate, smart and funny, generous and compassionate. I also love my boyfriend, with whom, quite frankly, I have incredible chemistry. The kind you read about in those books you try to hide from your significant others. You know what I'm talking about.

It is possible to love two men at the same time. I love them differently, and value them for different things.

Like I said, I don't know what the hell to do.

Regardless my decision, I will suffer a loss. I will sacrifice something. (Yes, someone else's heart will be broken, but it's my damned blog, so it's all about me. Piss off.)

What remains is to determine what to sacrifice. I am almost 40. I have roughly 40 decent years of living remaining. How do I want to spend it? And with whom, if anyone? Where will I go, what will I do?

Can I live the rest of my life without the companionship I so value in my husband? What about abandoning the powerful physical connection I have with my boyfriend?

I can't be two people, living two lives. I have to choose. And I have no idea what the hell to do.