It's different when they're yours.

I have no children. I will not be having any, either. I don't like them. I really don't. I don't see the cute. Evidently I have negative points in the maternal skill slot. I didn't like kids when I was a kid. They're noisy, whiny, annoying, messy, needy. They take up space and time. Their stuff is ugly and plastic. They smell funny. They are always underfoot. They always, always need something.

I know, it's funny when I say it like that. You're thinking, she's just being cranky, to make me laugh. I'm not. This is truly how I feel.

I do not understand the appeal of parenthood. So, you get knocked up. What's next? 9 months of misery. You get fat and weird looking. Something is feeding off your body (this is parasitic behavior, people! Gross!!). Then you have the damn thing, and your genitalia is all stretched out and flappy, so sex isn't like it used to be. Oh, yeah, and then the breastfeeding. This is the most disgusting practice ever. Really. And I see women do this right in front of me! Ohhhh. So not necessary. Following that, your tits are all saggy and distended. Great. At least they match your crotch.

So what are you stuck with? A shitting, puking, crying lump of barnacle. You can't go anywhere without it. You never, ever, ever get time to yourself. Everything is a big drama.Just getting into the car is a major undertaking. it whines. it cries. it interrupts conversations you try to have with real people.

Then it gets older and there are all the things you have to do for it. Get it off to school, pack it a lunch, take it to soccer/dance/scouts/whatever. When do you do what YOU want to do? Never again. And all that stuff will make you broke.

Then there's college. You send them off, pay their way, and for what? They're busy smoking, drinking and fucking anything that passes by.

I. Don't. Get. It.

Where's the fun in this? What's the reward?

Oh, and the thing that I hate most. I am female. Soooooo, that means I want to hold your foul spawn? No thanks. Get it the fuck away from me. Your kid is not welcome in my house. Ever. I don't want a picture of it, and I don't care what it did on its field trip last week. Get it? I DON'T CARE.

So the wives say, "I know you SAY you don't like kids, but it's really different when they're your own."

How? How is it different? Aside from being worse? Do you really think, knowing I detest children, that I will have a kid and then love it because it came out of my body?

If, by some freak chance, I got pregnant, I would commence to throwing myself down every set of stone steps I could find until it dislodged and got the hell out of my body. really.

And then there's the last one. This is the big one. "You don't know, you don't have kids." Well, thanks for pointing that out, Sherlock. Might not have put that together on my own. The genius of this statement is that it is applied to every single issue that arises.

Neighbor says, "I wish it would quit snowing."
I say, "I don't mind the snow so much as the 150 mile an hour winds."
Neighbor says, "Yeah, well you don't know, you don't have kids."

...and therefore all my opinions are not valid? Whatthefuck?

Final note to all you breeders: I hate kids. Keep them away from me. And my not breeding is unrelated to my ability to come to logical conclusions. And for the record, I hate you too.